Monday, September 24, 2012
These days I've been thinking. Thinking of how my limited choices would have limited me.
Yes up till now I still don't have any preference in going back to the food industry. I dread working in a factory.
Maybe just because of a one time exposure, which hence gave me a phobia to stay away from food processing plants, is not really fair nor doing justice. Maybe after getting exposed to a few food factories will change my views and feelings for them?
All this while I thought I forsook food technology because of the low pay. But when I look back on my life, money never really did played a significant part of my happiness. I can live without good food, nor do I visit clubs and bars for booze and beer. I have lived my university days with just bread and Milo, biscuits, without a single grain of rice.
I admit I dread facing the working world. I dread to not be able to do what I like, what I want. People only work to survive (well most people). Out of the millions of people out there working, we all know that only a few find their ideal job.
I dread more having to face one of my nightmares, is to enroll in a job, in a field that I have almost given up on, where I study because I needed to.
But what dreads me most is being pressured to get a job. To be honest, the days I'm living in now are as bad as the days I dread about my FYP.
I've spent my uni days pondering and relishing about getting off the island as soon as possible.
And now that I'm finally off the island, I actually wanna go back.
It's just like the castaways in the drama Lost. They've spent most of their time trying to get off the island, until at some point at the series, when they show future cuts of some casts finally getting off the island, you see people like Jack trying to get back to the island.
And yes, there is a part of me that wants to get back to the island.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Sometimes, I just feel so lost. Sometimes I feel stress, anxiety on how to start writing the new chapter of my life.
Its like having to write a new story, where all this while I have been used to continue writing pieces of my life as it goes on.
I have just reached a point where, I fear of not knowing how to start a new chapter.
Well of course the main idea is there. But what to write?
It is mentally torturing when your friends have all started writing, while you are still left scratching your head in the exam hall, while time is ticking away...
It is disheartening to have submitted your resumes and not get notified as time goes by. You begin to doubt your own abilities. You start to feel lousy...
I am, lousy.... Can you hear me?
Friday, September 21, 2012
To me, it's no big deal. However, it's quite a big event. Because most of us get to do it only once in a lifetime. It signifies the end of the occupation as a student. It is a symbol that we have completed our higher institutional studies.
As I said so on my facebook, all the years spent on being a student, studying here and there for almost 20 years, and getting to be on the stage for less than one minute of fame... It feels so surreal. Feels so unrealistic. All these years I've never thought I would one day stop going to school or class. It just dawn to me that I am a student no more. It's a hard and cold truth to accept after getting used to attending class, reading notes, burning midnight oil for exams. It's a self inflicting stress and anxiety that I think would be a memory, wrapped up in a parcel and left only to reminiscent.
Deep down there is a part of me that still have the desire to go on. To stay young forever. To be able to continue attending classes and lectures. Final semester of my final year was somehow my favourite semester. It was the only sem where I could take extra subjects, subjects which I really love. I miss attending Korean classes, guitar classes and English speaking classes. And I scored well too in the exams :)
To be not able to take and complete my level 3 Korean, is like having an incomplete Uni life. Haha. Sounds funny, but yeah. Maybe if I've completed level 3, graduating would feel more, real?
Funny how 4 years just slipped by in a blink of an eye. 4 years is almost as long as the 5 years one spent in secondary school. But in terms of fondness, I think leaving USM kinda makes me more sad or emotional compared to leaving secondary school.
Seriously, is there something in USM that is making me miss USM, or it's just me being a nostalgic fag? Argh I don't know... :/
Monday, September 17, 2012
I just knew this like few days ago. Kinda shocked me though. Cause I never did quite go to the extend of knowing a footballer's personal life. It is the performance on pitch that counts.
Now Kagawa's girlfriend, is an ADULT VIDEO actress in Japan. Well in other words, and a harsher word to use, would be a porn actress. Maybe it's considered okay in Japan. But for me, I find it quite hard to accept.
What more she's not only some porn star. She is THE porn star. Like one of the most hottest porn star in Japan. She is Ameri Ichinose.
Now I don't deny that she's pretty. Hot maybe also. And yes she's sexy. And yes again, most guys would not close their eyes if this girl would to strip in front of you (come on don't act gentleman!).
But as a girlfriend? I don't know about you guys. Maybe I can't say no if a chick like that come banging on my door. But as a girlfriend it's a definitely NO for me. It's like having a girlfriend who smokes and use vulgarities ( traits that I simply set as basic requirements of choosing a girlfriend).
Not that I look down on those who are in the porn industry. At least it's not earning a living the wrong way like stealing or robbing.
Being in the AV industry is more towards making love on air rather than being an actress in a movie with nudity. At least a movie has a freaking story line, with sex not really the main theme or focus of the movie.
Maybe from my point of view, women should be treated with more respect and care. And as a woman, it's not really proper to show your personal side to everyone.
Then again, I don't mind free show. Bottom line, I think someone like Shinji Kagawa deserves someone with a better social stature.
*ps I still can't accept it. No. Jeez this is killing me. Wonder what Terry and Balotelli have up their sleeves?
*PS There are reports that this rumours are FAKE. Well Thank God I say! :D
"Life is like a box of chocolates."
Well screw you Forest! Not that I hate you, but for different people and seen through different perspectives, life is not always a box of chocolates.
Life is a war zone. Your graduation from your alma mater is no less than graduating from a military academy. You get your first job aka become enlisted in the army. You start from the lowest rank in the company. You are cannon fodder.
You spend your whole life, battling cannons and bombs. Only different thing about working is, you don't die literally, or end up without your limbs if you've stepped on a landmine. Sometimes you get screwed by your captain. Your captain gets screwed by his major, and then the General screws everyone under his control.
We spend all our life, working up the military hierarchy if the modern working world. We ourselves dream to someday become a major, admiral or whatsoever. It seems like this is life's only way of progress.
What if, life is not a war? What if, there's no need to get enlisted into society's modern warfare?
Maybe life is a war. War starts with one person or incident, and gets carried out by the entire nation. Your neighbour buys a new car. You work your ass off to buy a bigger one to show him you're better.
There's no escape. You either join the ranks and work your ass up the ranks, or you become an emo farmer watching the tanks steamrolling across your crop fields when war breaks loose.
Me? I don't wanna be any of them, if I could have it my way. If life is a war, you make the most of it. You become, THE ARMS DEALER...
*ps I love Forest Gump!!