Changed?

I may not be a guy who has experienced any relationships, be it puppy love, monkey love or what so ever. But still it is very surprisingly for me to believe, and keep on believe, that love is the greatest thing of them all. I have no proof, no evidence, nor first hand experience of it. It's like a follower who believes in God yet doesn't sees him or feels him at all.

I'm not gay nor bi. As a guy I am attracted to the opposite sex -Girls/Women. And yes over the 23 years I have done what a man would have done the same since I don't-know-when - try to win the heart of the girl I like.

I think I'm sociable. And I am one hell of a socialite. I'm good, no, awesome around guys and girls, even guy and girl. So to those who don't really know much about my relationship background, there are those who are really stunned or surprised that over 23 years of life, I haven't succeed in a relationship, let alone kissed a girl. Well I think it's normal la. Come on there must be some forever alone people in this world right? If I'm one of them, then I accept it. Happily. :)

Anyway I wasn't like that last time (long time ago, since puberty struck and when you realized guys actually are attracted to girls.) Every time when a girl knows I like her, from the first crush till the latest one, they'd give me the cold shoulder, no, "hollow man" treatment(there are 3 girls who did not do that la thankfully). As if I'm not there. As if what I say and do is nothing to them (except the 3 of crushes la again).

But then in the end even the 3 girls did not give me the "hollow man" treatment, they'd still hurt me deep. In fact they hurt me the deepest I think! So basically every time I get a crush, I end up emo. How emo? Everytime I thought it was the most emo feeling of them all when it comes. Never did I know the following failed crushes were more and more emo than the past...

I never believed in God. Nor do I believe in wishes, shooting stars and what so ever. But every now and then when I find myself holding joss sticks, praying for festivals or family traditions, or when it is the time of the year when I close my eyes before I put out the candles in front of me, I always wish for happiness, abundance of them to be given to the girl on my mind on that current moment.

Yes I also also do pray and wish sometimes, that they would sometimes just take a look at me, and realized, hey, this is a good guy I'm letting go (I'm a good guy I swear!). What am I doing. I'd hope that even if I never did win their heart, at least if it flutters a bit, can you tell me that you're touched and thankful for what I did?

Yes. It used to be like that. But things changed. Maybe I got tired. Maybe I am fed up. Maybe it's meant to be. This year's Chinese New Year had me praying for world peace, and my birthday wish was also something similar. There was no special girl in my mind, that I would have prayed for and wished for her happiness.

I like it that way. And I hope it stays that way. If possible. Forever... 

My current dream involves me traveling around the world, seeing things and probably staying place to place. With that dream of mine, it doesn't gives me the responsibility to really find a girl friend, let alone build a family. Rather than hope for finding another half who will bring happiness to me, I rather redefine happiness as doing something or relishing something I love.  

I'm no sad Forever Alone. I'm proud to be one.