Overwhelmed with a huge surge of emo-ness lately... Coupled by the fact I just gave up the chance to see Girls Generation live in KL on the 23rd of March, one freakin week away from my birthday, argh!
Like it or not, Final year is fast approaching it's end on me. One month passed. By the end of June one chapter of my life ends. And what to write on or start with, the new chapter of my life, is still an unknown. Uncertainties that I am terrified of.
I remember how I start writing the chapters of my University life. It almost went the other way, pursuing my dream job medicine at a private college. However a short burst of impulse making (and yeah the tears that I shed) made me continued walking the path that I had been "forced" to trod upon. Apart from choosing a tough course and degree to endure, I don't think there is much to regret upon... (there are still some things that I regret though! haha)
Well these 4 years of University life hadn't been as sweet as I would have imagine. But I'm thankful to say that I have grown a lot in this 4 years. Probably more than what I've endured in my 5 years of secondary school. I've learn to take pain and sufferings, be it physical, mentally. I've learn how to stand on my own feet, studied on my own compared to the times where tuition was everything.
University life and degree days, to me, is an option that most of us took. If you asked me whether if all I studied for these years will be beneficial to me in my later days, I would have said "No". I know I sound very negative towards my hard-earned degree, but that's the truth of how I feel.
I always have a soft spot to help people. To be able to save them would make things better. Guess that is why being a doctor was a dream for me ever since a small child. But that dream stays as fiction as always. It was something that I fore go, not regretting it however judging of the current phenomena trainees doctors are facing. Doctoring dreams fictionated, which at most can only happen in my dreams.
Then I began to notice the trend of what I like doing. Making people happy around me does kinda suits me too. Well of course not to the extent of being a clown everyday. But good enough to bring smiles and laughter to those around me.
Then I stumbled upon music. Playing music and singing. Not that I'm very good at it, but by playing a piece of song or singing it, I feel alive, I feel doing something that I really like. And if by doing it it brings joy to others, it really makes me believe that I have already found what I like and want to do. That is why I am always in awe of artistes, singers, actors who are doing what they like, and bringing happiness to those around them.
But the thing is, not everyone can be a superstar. Well at least I think I may not have the cut to achieve it. One thing for sure is, this dream is too big. As long as I ever want something like this to come true, but cruel reality always bites me hard.
Why is everything that I wanna be or think I can be, is a mere fiction, created by the pleasures I like doing, and hardly have a trace of reality that I can realize them?
Argh this feeling sucks to the core man. I don't want to end up working my life for a better pensioned or retired life. I want a life, that's enjoyable and I'm happy by living it, and by the same time, spreading happiness and helping those around me.
Maybe what I need, is a steady girlfriend who could make me settle down and wipe away these fictionated thoughts. For if I don't get one, most probably I would like to try living a new life abroad (if possible).
Maybe then again, it's just me terrified of the future that creeps closer and closer.
Which is which? I don't know...