The Wanderer of The Night

Logic must come after feelings.
In order for strength to come after a fall
Else the days will have no meanings
As we lay down not standing tall

Fell into a hole that I purposely dig
Not because of what's down there is what I seek
Never knew how far I went too deep
As the darkness of the night that comes in my sleep

As good as the angel I may seem
But I'm not that good as what everyone deem
I may be standing on the side of the holy and light
Deep down inside in me there's a demon of the night

I will vanquish you from my memory
And end myself from this mental slavery
Through fire and ice, every weapon from the armory
I will prevail, Rise for victory.

Reminiscence

Reminiscence.

This is one of the days that I feel like not doing anything. Not that I'm lazy. It's just that my mind is kinda screwed.

With Jay Chou's oldies aiding me to flashback on my life, here I am, wondering back my past as I put pen to yet another boring post...

The stress and fear that I've been handling lately has turned me into something or someone that I'm not even familiar with. I somehow am happy with that heart and the spirit of not letting go of mind, going gung-ho even though I'm pretty tired...

There are days when I don't even have time for myself. I come back home after a hectic day, bath and just collapse on my bed.

I gotta admit. I'm kinda lost. I don't know what is out there for me to look forward to. My resolutions are falling apart. 2014 the year to make it count.

Looking back at the days, when I thought 5 years of secondary school, or should I say the days of studying would never end. Now? It has been almost 2 years since graduation. 2 years without needing to fear for exams.

Where I am now, is nowhere near where I want to be. I feel lost. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing worth putting your time and effort on hold.

Perhaps after the launch of this project, I hope I do feel better.

Yes. I wish that sometimes I can go back to my past and live a few days there. Not because I fear the future. But to bring back the feeling of being a small kid again.

I wish..

Control

Control is everything.

Just because its a normal word, we tend to overlook how powerful it is.

If you have control of ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, you have nothing to fear.

But first thing first on control is, you gotta know how to control yourself. It's a per-requisite.

Then be amazed of the control as it's span grows wider and wider...

Game Of Thrones

If you haven't watch it, you'd be wondering why people are so crazy about it.

I was there too myself. Personally I watched twice, both stopping and skipping to other dramas or movies for my "movie time" slot.

Well mainly because I previously downloaded crappy resolutions and had to find the subtitles myself for each friggin' episode. Which turns me off.

But then when my pals got hooked and kept on pestering me to watch it, I took up the initiative to download HD (1080 is my minimum requirement :p ).

Then episode by episode, you find yourself submerged into the world of the Seven Kingdoms. Each episode lasts almost an hour. Previously I had this rule that only allows me to watch half an hour of show and spend the rest of my time reading and learning German. But dang Game Of Thrones spoiled my plans. After 1 hour of drama, dinner etc. it's almost time for bedtime already!

How good is it? Well not only the plot is brutally ever changing. If you were to watch and have some thoughts of it, you'd realized that the Seven Kingdoms exist in our reality. You see people conjuring all types of trickery and malice to get what they want. You see how power is exerted. You see how loyalty is actually something to take advantage of.

It can be quite sadistic. Well it's based upon a magical medieval time where dragons reign, knights fight, king lay siege to neighboring territories. Moral ethics are of minimal. But that doesn't mean it promotes violence.

There are still honorable men to look up on. I personally like Robb Stark. And admire Tyrion Lannister's shrewdness. Somehow it amazes me on how men like them goes along with the story. Will the writer kill them off? Still a big question.

One good lesson that we can see in Game of Thrones is, life is indeed unpredictable. I'm sure everyone was shocked when a character we perceived to be a protagonist gets killed off. That's not something you see always in a movie.

Game of Thrones is unique in a sense that, it's pretty much vary on the angle you look at a character. It's not just as straight forward good versus evil. It's much more than that.

I'm still lagging behind (currently still at Season 2). But at the rate I'm watching I'll catch up with the latest episode in no time.

Perhaps then I'll finally kick start back my German lessons... Sigh...

  

Breaking Down

We all have that one day when we doubt ourselves...

When we doubt what we are doing. We doubt the effort and resources we put in.

Today is one of those days... I got a rude awakening from my colleague. How much true it holds I don't know... But hey if you're hurt by it then there is some truth in it...

I hate being useless. I hate being not able to do things. I hate being the person I despised yet I can be drawn to comparisons with it.

Today is one of those days that Ong Joo Parn lies in pieces. Because I take critics and compliments seriously. I doubt myself even more easily.

I am in pieces. And I know it's kinda soft for a guy to say this: I just wish there is someone there for me to cry on....

Comfort Zone

I have triggered a possibility of leaving my comfort zone today.

Looking back at the past year, I have pitted myself into an uncomfortable situation, finding myself handling stuffs that I have little knowledge of. Learning and growing as the time goes on.

Sure. There are still plenty to learn and see. Taking up a new challenge in the same place is like fighting an unknown enemy in a familiar terrain.

But what about taking on something unknown in a foreign territory? What weapons to use? What formation and strategy? I'm helpless and blank...

It was ignorance and impulse that made me trigger this possibility. Now what lies in me, is just courage to bring me through.



.S.P Ti lliw eb drah rof em ot evael tahw dna erehw I ma won. Eht thguoht fo gingnahc tnemnorivne sekam em ysaenu. I yam tel nwod tola fo elpeop. Tub rof eht ekas fo siht diputs maerd fo enim, ereh I emoc ytniatrecnu.

Troublemaker

Funny how sometimes the more you don't think about something, you would've thought that it would disappear and stay away from your mind.

But then comes a little thread comes off and the whole plan falls off. Just like pushing off one small domino piece triggering a mass collapse of other pieces...

This could be one of the reason that I lost that motivation to put myself back into that strict discipline regime I had drafted out for the year 2014.

I guess this song best suits me at the moment...

Angels and Demons

Ever wonder or noticed that sometimes, the evil side of us can be more possessive and dominant...

We are human. Vessels where good wages evil inside our head. Sometimes we make mistakes. Break a rule or a law. Because it may seem irrelevant. But it could make a whole lot of differences.

Not to be harsh on the word "evil", a better word would be to "shine" on your weakness. Something you're not known for doing. Being quiet for a talkative guy. Being stupid for a smart guy.

Recently I've been quite at the mercy of my devilish side. I've screwed up my discipline timetable. I come back from work late. I miss doing my daily pushups. I stop exercising daily. I stop reading that minimum required page of reading material.

Put simply, I slack.

Now I know why resolutions are hard to keep. Even with a plan in hand.

Someone please purge the demons outta me... 

Hauntings

I find myself haunted by a past that I have so delicately sealed in a box...

Swore to never open that box again. Swore to let it sink to the abyss. To be forgotten.

Yet again yesterday what's inside the box came into my dreams and haunted me.

It was not what's inside the box that's haunted. It was waking up to reality, to find out that what's in that box is just a dream, yet to materialize in reality. A dream I yearn so much that it was true. A dream that I kept reminding myself during that dream that everything I want had came true.

I'm having post virtual reality stress disorder. Never did I know that subconsciously of opening that box in my dreams would make me feel so down and lost in reality...