Thursday, March 24, 2011
I Dreamed a Dream
If this question were to pop out:"What is your dream?" or:"Where do you see yourself in the next 3 or 4 years?" I'll have to honestly say I don't have an effing clue. Yeah, it's true.
But if it is about my final year at USM, I roughly got everything figured out. My Plan A, Plan B, C and so on. (To tell the truth, the plans stop at C LOL!). It was very difficult, pondering over a future that I am so unsure and uncertain, like the black skies at night, full with velvet clouds, where you can't even catch a glimpse of the stars, nor see the face of the moon. It's like a muddy puddle of water.
Not that I do not have something I wish in my mind currently. Things are quite complicated if I were to go into it straight away. I need a prologue.
I am a stubborn person. Actually, strong willed would be a better word. Stubborn makes me defiant when I'm wrong, which is most of the time untrue. Strong willed. Yeah, that's the word.
When I want something, most of the time, I try my best to get it. But there are times too, where I set lofty targets which are so damn impossible and beyond my limits, that when I don't achieve them, I'll give myself an effing consolation or reason to pamper myself.
But yeah then again, most of the time, I'm strong willed. Quite. If you don't know me, then let it be known, that to become a doctor was something like a trademark for me. I felt like I was born to live a life of a doctor. I wasn't scared of blood and injections when I'm supposed to be at my age. My dad is a respectable doctor, an mentor. That dream was set when I was just a small boy. Even my primary school teachers know that. That a boy will someday make his dad proud, by joining ranks with him. A king in the making for a king.
Not that I went around boasting to everyone, nor was it the destiny my parents were trying to write into my future. Everyone just acknowledged that a doctor's son was surely to become a doctor. Not that I mind. But subconsciously, it seems like everyone at your hometown that you know, is waiting just to listen to the news, that the son of a doctor finally DID took up his father's footsteps.
Unfortunately, things don't always go as they are planned. I failed my dream. The dream that was there in my head since I was a small kid. The dream that when ever everybody asked me what was it, I would so proudly say it out, if not yell it out. The time comes when I know I can never yell out such an answer. I flunked my precious Matriculation Program, the Golden Ticket to realizing my dream.
My mind was in tatters. How can you accept that the dream you dream, is nothing but a dream? Confusion and blindness took me. I still questioned the choice of the degree I applied on till this very day. A Plan B I haven't even thought about. I got the chance to live back the life I SHOULD HAVE halfway during the 1st year 1st semester. I was on verge of quitting my current degree to pursue my dream in a private college. But somehow, I made a funny decision to stick to this course, and never looked back. Manly tears burst from my eyes. I was this close of quitting my current course.
Yes I still question the degree I'm still taking and haven't even graduated. But I have since put down that dream of mine, that dream of a small kid. I knew that dream was real enough to be reality (I dream of it every single day!), while most students studying medicine right now, applied mostly for the honours and prospect it offers, and of course of the fulfillment of the grades they've acquired.
Not to say that I'm a sour grape who looks down on at medicine students, but hey, this is the truth. If you have RM1 million to spend for one day, and at the end of the day, you're required to give back the balance you haven't spend, surely everyone would've spent every single cent of it. Why let such a good result go to waste, when you can be the hottest prospect?
Yes, current medicine students would mostly be better doctors than me, even had I have venture into medicine. But when it comes to the passion, the dream I had and the truth it holds, they would still lose out to me. At least I know when I want to save or help someone, my conscience is crystal clear. That was my dream. It isn't now. But it hasn't change my personality of willing to put myself into the deepest shit, to help those that I deem really require them.
Letting up a dream doesn't guarantee you to find a replacement. I'm too old to dream anymore. I prefer setting targets and achieving them. What for dream, when you don't give a damn of it becoming a reality?
Maybe I have mellow down, maybe I became more of a realist rather than an optimist. Failure does impart your confidence. But they also give you valuable lessons that none can teach.
My dream? I wish I had it now in my head. It's not a solid one. Rather it's like how I should live my life, what I should do...
If I really were to become someone's else girlfriend, my life would all be about her. She would be the number one priority. Forget about further studying. There is a future family that I have to feed. Even if it were to be working in Hell, I would gladly take up the job and work my ass off.
If I were to be cursed to solitary my entire life, then there is plenty time for me to think yet. Current situation seems to be heading this way rather than the one I mentioned, making this my Plan A. But if I were to choose, I'd wish Plan B up there were to happen.
You can plan all you like, you can try all you like, but things don't always turn up the way you like. So in conclusion, it's better to have contrasting dreams so that you won't end up like me in the first place. LMAO!