The Hobbit #OneLastTime

Hard to believe and say goodbye to Middle Earth once and for all. 14 years. 6 movies. Memories...

Well here's a short review on the film with just one spoiler:

They should've killed off the dragon in the 2nd movie. And the 3rd movie can be all about the war and fighting. Movie started off badly. Awkward opening to link the 2nd film to the 3rd one. Nevertheless it improved significantly along the way. If you're very fond of the story and movie you'll realize how it links back to the first movie and The Lord of The Rings. (Bilbo finding his handkerchief which he forgot to bring along in the first movie, Thranduil asking his son to seek out Aragorn.) And not to mention that familiar scene and dialogue at the end which is the exact event of the first LOTR movie.

Hmmm... Strange that such a movie dragged me to my past. It's the fondness and the very fact I grew up anticipating each movie year by year, from a small boy to someone entering his late twenties... I am indeed in flashback mode.

Coupled by the tragic findings of the AirAsia flight. All of these small and tiny events reminded me yet again. How fast and fleeting life is. How short and how sudden it can end...

We only get to live once. Best if we put it to good use. And make it something as memorable as the journey through Middle Earth then :)

Thank you Peter Jackson. Thank you 2014. Like it or not. A brand new year just around corner.

Welcome 2015. If I do not blog again tomorrow. ;)

Delivering Happiness

Finished reading the book Delivering Happiness by Tony Hsieh. One of the best reads I had for this year undoubtedly.

Happiness. Its a word I think most of us know. But truth to be told, it is actually hard to describe in words. Because its a feeling that you need to experience to understand.

Tony Hsieh got me thinking again about life. What do I want in life? I like building stuffs. And time to time I find myself having the uncanny attraction towards people who build companies. Steve Jobs. Mark Zuckerberg. Blake Mycoskie. Even the books that I have read this year... Most of them are of building something that spreads goodwill from scratch.

Alright the thing is, even if I don't end up building something, I'd still see myself dabbing into business. Maybe money does play a big role in that. But mostly I think its more about having a hand in your own destiny.

The end part of the book is intriguing, which I think is worth to share:

All of us have our own dreams and resolutions. What are yours? Briefly come out with a few if you don't have them written down. After that, look through them and ask yourself why some of your dreams and wishes ended up in your to-do-list. Ask as much "why" as you can, until you can go no more further...

-

Did you get it? No matter what is on your wishlist, the more you keep asking yourself why, it will drill down to one reason - Happiness.

What does that tells us? Happiness can be found in the simplest of things we do. But merely daydreaming about it though, won't get you far...

Perhaps I should stop daydreaming...

Favouritism

Say... If your mother practices favouritism among your siblings, and you're the neglected one. How would you feel?

Disclaimer: nothing to do with my parents. 

Empty

Sometimes plans turn out to be stupid plans. It backfires. Hits you straight it the face.

It is gold to learn from these mistakes.

Well I just hope mine doesn't scarred me for life...

On Retiring Young

Beneath is a conversation which took part early this morning. 

Me: Morning Mr X

Mr X: Morning. How are you?

Me: Good

Mr X: Not going for holidays?

Me: Taking 2 days off next week sir.

Mr X: Ah. You're from Taiping?

Me: Yup. From Taiping

Mr X: Very nice place Taiping

Me: Yeah. Nice place to retire

Mr X: Yeah. But you're too young to think about that

Me: Hahaha.

Mr X: (Paused for a moment.) But people nowadays are retiring young. Some are even retiring at the age of 30. Making their millions by 30

Me: (Food for thought.) Yeah. If you can earn enough, it is possible.


Random but it got me thinking.

It dug back the thought of having financial freedom. Wonder since when I have last thought about that...

Run For Your Lives Malaysia 2014

Hello peeps. It's been quite a while since I last checked in here.

I had the one-of-a-kind experience today - becoming a survivor in an zombie infested event called Run For Your Lives.

Why did I joined? Back then it looked like a running event. Used to be a marathoner. So running in a special themed run sounded enticing back then. Why choose to be a survivor? Because to test yourself in such a situation, should it ever arises in reality, are you determined to stay alive?

Thoughts of the events: Since its the first time they are having it in Malaysia, hence A LOT of room for improvement. Bibs should be dispensed out earlier, preferable not on the event day itself to ease congestion of crowd. Then of course route planning, which I will not dwell further since it is subjective.

The ordeal I had to overcome wasn't easy. Quite simply, I thought there will be water obstacles judging from the youtube trailer they released. Ended up going in with rubber shoes, which ate my feet in the dry and hot condition. Think I have blisters on my feet now. Not to mention I did not exercised for 2 weeks due to that sudden laziness. I barely ran.

Then how did I survived? Haha. Come to think of it, it was a mixture of strategies. First station on the wide open field, everyone ran like mad. Running in the middle of the crowd proved effective as zombies always concentrate on the first few ones, hence giving a chance for me to slip away unscathed.

Next few stations where the terrain was much more narrow, I was glad to rally my group to go into a straight line formation, arms locked and our live bibs at the back. As a team, we pushed forward till midway before we sprinted to the safety zone.

By now my feet was really screaming in pain. And fatigued and tired by the hot sun, its no joke to run. Noticed that zombies dont really look to see whether you had life bibs on you on your back since they only concentrate on the front. Hence miraculously I walked passed them calmly, step by step till the finish line.
*p.s. thanks to a few in the group who acted like survivors trying to run past the zombies. It definitely help turn the zombies towards him/her while I walk pass the zombie zones like a boss. And not to mention a bit of acting.. teehee


Lesson: What I learn yet again, is that to win, you don't have to be the fastest, or strongest to win. Perhaps I just re-lived the moment of the tortoise winning the race? 

承诺

在没有利益或惩罚的情况下，还可以遵守诺言。

并不是厉害。而是很在乎那已许下的承诺。

24-9-2014

Sometimes, I feel it is irrelevant to go asking people on things that people don't plan on telling you (yet).

Because at the end of the day, if you are meant to know it, you will know it.

What is untold is not told. If the untold plans to not be told, let it be untold until the moment what not told becomes the not untold...

Just, give me a bit of breathing space... Thank you.

22.9.2014

Maturity

Maturity is not measured by age.
Nor is it proportional by age.

Maturity is a state of mind, where people outdo, out think the average. Having a sound long term plan defines maturity. Having the preparation and anticipation of the future is maturity.

Maturity is not a stage you reach by living the years in your live. It's a perspective of thought. It is enlightenment. Not just doing the right things. But also doing things the right way.

Nightmare Mystery Solved

!ekil I taht lrig eht t'nsaw lrig eht esuaceB

Some

Some distances are worth walking

Some times are worth waiting

Some risks are worth taking

Some people are worth sacrificing

Some mistakes are worth repeating

Some anxiety are worth experiencing

Some tears are worth crying

Some smiles are worth remembering

Some messages are worth saving

Some pictures are worth gazing

Some voices are worth hearing

Someone out there is totally amazing

03 Aug 2014

很多事都会在你最意想不到的时候发生。

Generation Gap Within The Same Age Group

Age picks up on us so fast that sometimes we don't realize how time flies.

Every now and then friends of mine have been popping up news that they're getting married and expecting a newborn (or already have one). Others are well on the right track with their partners just waiting for the right moment to come.

And then there's me.

Of course it's perfectly normal to be single. But when you put someone like me in comparison of someone who's already a father or mother, what he or she has gone through and what I'm still vague of; there is a big gap.

I have no qualms to settle down with someone I like. But what surprised me was maybe the little "stress" I've been getting from my relatives and family. Every now and then there would be initiatives to introduce someone to me.

And that sparked off a nightmare few days ago. In this nightmare I have to "undergo" a pre-arranged wedding, which totally freaked me out until this very day.

But then again, I guess it would be nice, if I could just get one step off the starting line by my current age.

30th July 2014

Sometimes system and procedures really get into my way and mood.

I have been pro and anti system time to time. No doubt system brings order and prevents errors. But it is when a system becomes too rigid that it starts to irk me.

To make things worse, it is reusing this system over and over again that further deepens my anxiety. Dealing with different problems but using the same solution system. Over and over again. Like a loop.

Then again if it is simple, I don't have qualms. But problem is, this system is way too complicated and rigid. Going just one full round of it already got me breathless.

I do not think I can survive another round before I come to surrender...

Calculative

Sometimes we tend to be calculative.

I'm surprised that this post is initiated because of my calculativeness. Because normally, I'm not.

I start becoming calculative when people are calculative with me.


I know how its done by repaying a good deed with a good action. I do that all the time.


I don't always eat at home. Yet I still pay full without fail. If I were calculative, I make sure I don't pay a single cent more or less.


And when you come asking for small money when in the fact I have already done my part in showing my generosity in another way, it really pisses me off.

Final Fantasy

Sometimes, how I wish I can take on challenges and fights like piano pieces.

Having the guts and perseverance to practice till I get the hold of it.

Recently I got zapped back to time by Final Fantasy. The games itself are a class on its own. But what got me really really hooked are the OSTs.

Don't know whether it sounds cheesy or not, but FF really brings a lot positive energy, and emotion to me. And I believe it does to a hell lot of people out there.

Whether it is coincidentally or not, I am resuming back that good routine for almost a week already!

You know what's better than Final Fantasy? It's hoping when you look back at your life at the end, it will be something as worthy as a Final Fantasy story.

Excuses

Sometimes we come up with all kinds reasons and excuses to make ourselves feel better...

I haven't really been able to adhere back to the schedule I set myself during the beginning of the year.

I've been trying to but it seems that I'm miles apart from that disciplined schedule which made my life felt more meaningful.

Busy hectic yet happy.

Then we slack. We cut off one activity one by one. Until at the end, we end up lifeless.

Where did the enthusiasm to learn more, read more, exercise more went to?

Hmm.. It's already July. I've made progress but with the current pace I'm moving I don't think it is possible to hit the goals I've set upon myself.

I need to stop making excuse when I'm about to start not following that schedule.

Dang. Buck up!

A Soulmate

I really envy people who dates each other for a long time.

The longer the better. And then they end up married to each other. Happy ending.

In someways I am old fashioned. I think it's better for a guy and a girl to date each other for a long period (a minimum of 5 years) before ending up getting married.

Cause these days, I think people say "I do" a bit too abruptly. Or maybe triggered by an event which accelerates everything.

Maybe it is not 100% guaranteed, but the longer you know someone, the better you understand someone.  People may change during the years but I think there is some truth in that previous sentence. And to be able to be in a relationship for more than 5 years, not only you know him or her well, you are well prepared to tolerate the good and bad side of them.

In another way also, 5 years of being in a boy girl relationship and still loving each other, feeling that the other half completes you is a short test of endurance for the many years to come.

But then again, factoring the golden and preferable age for a woman to get pregnant (early 30s), I should be in a relationship by now. Then get married after 5 years +.

Oh God. Why am I still single...

The Path To Greatness

"The path to greatness has always been unconventional

Dare to be different"

-Ong Joo Parn 25th June 2014

I am a man of my words. A believer of sayings. A conjurer of quotes.

Many great men gave famous speeches and quotes. Who knows what the future holds for me?

More often or not, quotes and sayings don't just come up like a lightning out of the blue. Even a lightning needs a storm cloud as a prelude.

There I was. Seeing the me 1 year ago. Eagerly fighting to be one of the selected 12. Honestly, I never did thought of making to the final round. 

Back then, joining the company was my self perceived cognitive dissonance to a path of greatness. To which now I clearly disagree to what I believed back then.

I am not being pessimistic though. I have seen more. Heard more. Learned more. If greatness was a path so easily attained and straight forward, there would be more than one Apple, more than one Google. More than one Thomas Edison so and so forth.

The path to greatness is always the road less or not taken.That's why there will always be one Steve Jobs. One Elon Musk. One Richard Branson.

One ME.

There And Back Again

It always feels good to get a brief escape back to the town I grown up.

I feel safe over there. I feel familiar and accustomed to everything there.

Never needed air conditioner over there as even in dire situations, it can be tolerated or I could easily go out somewhere without being afraid of stuck in a jam.

I've mentioned countless amount of time. The feeling of wanting to turn back the clock and live the life of a boy, yet to experience the hardship and pain everyone one of us have to overcome in the working world.

Back then, everything was purely academic. Even the stress which we all thought was agonizing, is just a speck of what we face now in our daily life. Back then, I would say that even there wasn't any homework-life balance, life was indeed better than now. Cause back then, we only need to worry about our studies.

Eventually we came to a crossroad where we had to determine what and where to go. Usually for the group of people I know, there's only 3 major choices. Either its going to Penang or to KL, or it's staying put at Taiping.

I've briefly gone through all 3 of them. I had a brief spell of becoming a waiter in Taiping itself. Life as a waiter wasn't as easy as I imagined. I learn a lot but I felt that someone with my capabilities shouldn't be doing something well below my abilities.

Then I went to Penang. Life was good in the sense of my work was work life balance. Start work and end work on time. Life was supposed to be great as it involves me traveling around. But gosh it is tiring to drive daily up and down and left and right.

At last here I am at KL. A chance came knocking on the door to bring me to the capital where I know chances and opportunities are of abundance. A place where the best of the best come and face each other off, taking the sides of giant corporations, MNCs or small yet fast moving companies. And yes that also includes me in my current situation.

However, life will still lead me to a crossroad when the time comes. When I have a family, it would really make me ponder whether to stay on in this bustling city or move back to the countryside...

There and back again after 2 days. Will there ever be a there and back again after 5-10 years? Well best we just focus on tomorrow and let everything unfold

Perspective

There's always someone out there who will tell you "the grass is always greener on the other side..."

Well there's also Aesop telling you that a fox deemed some grapes high up the vines sour and unripe just because he couldn't get to them.

Well just because some people around you may be contented eating the same grass everyday, and telling you that grapes on the top part of the vines are sour, it doesn't mean that they're right.

In fact, most likely you're wrong to follow their thinking.

Wrong in the sense that what they want may not be what you want. Some may want to live ordinary lives. Others may want to go on an adventure. Some prefer climbing corporate ladders. Others prefer to make a difference.

No right nor wrong. It's just a matter of perspective.

The Light At The End of The Tunnel?

Let's be honest and frank. Straight to the point shall we?

I'm not happy with my life. I'm not reading or learning new things. My job takes up almost all of my day. I spend my weekend trying to recuperate but still haunted by my job. I sleep to relieve stress yet it takes up my time to do what I like. Heck even the things that I like to do seems bland.

Nope I'm not loosing focus. I think I am too engross in some major parts of my work that I let slipped a few things. Not that it's something that I'm proud of though. In fact it makes my life more miserable. The anxiety and self-doubts sky rocket.

I am indeed going through a tough time lately. Maybe it's a small issue or obstacle to some. But it is definitely a rough time for me. Untimely also as I have already made up some key decisions which would be a turning point of my life.

Since a few hours back till now, I feel a little more at ease. I spent my night talking to a good friend. Pouring out my bitter moments. She gave her advice and motivation as best as she could.

And then we talk about our future. Her present but my yet to realized future, as she is now enjoying the life she had yearned for and achieved.

Me? Mine is still a dream. A dream that I failed to realize a few weeks back. She talk about hers. I talk about mine. I talk and talk on this dream company of mine. All through the info I've learnt from Internet and my best pal who's working there.

I felt excited and happy to be able to tell people, that such a company exists out there. An office as cool as Google's office. Voted the world's most democratic workplace. A place where personal growth is valued. A place where people go in and learn, and leave to realize the bigger part of their dreams.Zentrepreneruship. Incitement. Project Renaissance. Collecting the world's brightest minds together to make a change. 

Sounds unbelievable? Well let me open your eyes for you if you can't... 

The Wanderer of The Night

Logic must come after feelings.
In order for strength to come after a fall
Else the days will have no meanings
As we lay down not standing tall

Fell into a hole that I purposely dig
Not because of what's down there is what I seek
Never knew how far I went too deep
As the darkness of the night that comes in my sleep

As good as the angel I may seem
But I'm not that good as what everyone deem
I may be standing on the side of the holy and light
Deep down inside in me there's a demon of the night

I will vanquish you from my memory
And end myself from this mental slavery
Through fire and ice, every weapon from the armory
I will prevail, Rise for victory.

Reminiscence

Reminiscence.

This is one of the days that I feel like not doing anything. Not that I'm lazy. It's just that my mind is kinda screwed.

With Jay Chou's oldies aiding me to flashback on my life, here I am, wondering back my past as I put pen to yet another boring post...

The stress and fear that I've been handling lately has turned me into something or someone that I'm not even familiar with. I somehow am happy with that heart and the spirit of not letting go of mind, going gung-ho even though I'm pretty tired...

There are days when I don't even have time for myself. I come back home after a hectic day, bath and just collapse on my bed.

I gotta admit. I'm kinda lost. I don't know what is out there for me to look forward to. My resolutions are falling apart. 2014 the year to make it count.

Looking back at the days, when I thought 5 years of secondary school, or should I say the days of studying would never end. Now? It has been almost 2 years since graduation. 2 years without needing to fear for exams.

Where I am now, is nowhere near where I want to be. I feel lost. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing worth putting your time and effort on hold.

Perhaps after the launch of this project, I hope I do feel better.

Yes. I wish that sometimes I can go back to my past and live a few days there. Not because I fear the future. But to bring back the feeling of being a small kid again.

I wish..

Control

Control is everything.

Just because its a normal word, we tend to overlook how powerful it is.

If you have control of ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, you have nothing to fear.

But first thing first on control is, you gotta know how to control yourself. It's a per-requisite.

Then be amazed of the control as it's span grows wider and wider...

Game Of Thrones

If you haven't watch it, you'd be wondering why people are so crazy about it.

I was there too myself. Personally I watched twice, both stopping and skipping to other dramas or movies for my "movie time" slot.

Well mainly because I previously downloaded crappy resolutions and had to find the subtitles myself for each friggin' episode. Which turns me off.

But then when my pals got hooked and kept on pestering me to watch it, I took up the initiative to download HD (1080 is my minimum requirement :p ).

Then episode by episode, you find yourself submerged into the world of the Seven Kingdoms. Each episode lasts almost an hour. Previously I had this rule that only allows me to watch half an hour of show and spend the rest of my time reading and learning German. But dang Game Of Thrones spoiled my plans. After 1 hour of drama, dinner etc. it's almost time for bedtime already!

How good is it? Well not only the plot is brutally ever changing. If you were to watch and have some thoughts of it, you'd realized that the Seven Kingdoms exist in our reality. You see people conjuring all types of trickery and malice to get what they want. You see how power is exerted. You see how loyalty is actually something to take advantage of.

It can be quite sadistic. Well it's based upon a magical medieval time where dragons reign, knights fight, king lay siege to neighboring territories. Moral ethics are of minimal. But that doesn't mean it promotes violence.

There are still honorable men to look up on. I personally like Robb Stark. And admire Tyrion Lannister's shrewdness. Somehow it amazes me on how men like them goes along with the story. Will the writer kill them off? Still a big question.

One good lesson that we can see in Game of Thrones is, life is indeed unpredictable. I'm sure everyone was shocked when a character we perceived to be a protagonist gets killed off. That's not something you see always in a movie.

Game of Thrones is unique in a sense that, it's pretty much vary on the angle you look at a character. It's not just as straight forward good versus evil. It's much more than that.

I'm still lagging behind (currently still at Season 2). But at the rate I'm watching I'll catch up with the latest episode in no time.

Perhaps then I'll finally kick start back my German lessons... Sigh...

  

Breaking Down

We all have that one day when we doubt ourselves...

When we doubt what we are doing. We doubt the effort and resources we put in.

Today is one of those days... I got a rude awakening from my colleague. How much true it holds I don't know... But hey if you're hurt by it then there is some truth in it...

I hate being useless. I hate being not able to do things. I hate being the person I despised yet I can be drawn to comparisons with it.

Today is one of those days that Ong Joo Parn lies in pieces. Because I take critics and compliments seriously. I doubt myself even more easily.

I am in pieces. And I know it's kinda soft for a guy to say this: I just wish there is someone there for me to cry on....

Comfort Zone

I have triggered a possibility of leaving my comfort zone today.

Looking back at the past year, I have pitted myself into an uncomfortable situation, finding myself handling stuffs that I have little knowledge of. Learning and growing as the time goes on.

Sure. There are still plenty to learn and see. Taking up a new challenge in the same place is like fighting an unknown enemy in a familiar terrain.

But what about taking on something unknown in a foreign territory? What weapons to use? What formation and strategy? I'm helpless and blank...

It was ignorance and impulse that made me trigger this possibility. Now what lies in me, is just courage to bring me through.



.S.P Ti lliw eb drah rof em ot evael tahw dna erehw I ma won. Eht thguoht fo gingnahc tnemnorivne sekam em ysaenu. I yam tel nwod tola fo elpeop. Tub rof eht ekas fo siht diputs maerd fo enim, ereh I emoc ytniatrecnu.

Troublemaker

Funny how sometimes the more you don't think about something, you would've thought that it would disappear and stay away from your mind.

But then comes a little thread comes off and the whole plan falls off. Just like pushing off one small domino piece triggering a mass collapse of other pieces...

This could be one of the reason that I lost that motivation to put myself back into that strict discipline regime I had drafted out for the year 2014.

I guess this song best suits me at the moment...

Angels and Demons

Ever wonder or noticed that sometimes, the evil side of us can be more possessive and dominant...

We are human. Vessels where good wages evil inside our head. Sometimes we make mistakes. Break a rule or a law. Because it may seem irrelevant. But it could make a whole lot of differences.

Not to be harsh on the word "evil", a better word would be to "shine" on your weakness. Something you're not known for doing. Being quiet for a talkative guy. Being stupid for a smart guy.

Recently I've been quite at the mercy of my devilish side. I've screwed up my discipline timetable. I come back from work late. I miss doing my daily pushups. I stop exercising daily. I stop reading that minimum required page of reading material.

Put simply, I slack.

Now I know why resolutions are hard to keep. Even with a plan in hand.

Someone please purge the demons outta me... 

Hauntings

I find myself haunted by a past that I have so delicately sealed in a box...

Swore to never open that box again. Swore to let it sink to the abyss. To be forgotten.

Yet again yesterday what's inside the box came into my dreams and haunted me.

It was not what's inside the box that's haunted. It was waking up to reality, to find out that what's in that box is just a dream, yet to materialize in reality. A dream I yearn so much that it was true. A dream that I kept reminding myself during that dream that everything I want had came true.

I'm having post virtual reality stress disorder. Never did I know that subconsciously of opening that box in my dreams would make me feel so down and lost in reality...

Holding On and Letting Go

Yet I find myself in a difficult scenario.

There are 2 deliverable that will determine me of holding on or letting go of something...

I've got one already. Waiting for the other deliverable to materialize. Should I get both, chances of me not letting go something that I have will be minimized.

But with only one, I'd say chances of me letting go is much higher.

That's why when making some very difficult decisions in life, I think it's best to factor out feelings and attachments.

Easy to be said... But in reality we're all still humans...

A Letter To Moyes

Dear Moyes,

First of all, sorry for your dismissal. Secondly, sorry as I haven't been a believer in you. Don't get me wrong. I think trust is earned. And we both know that based on United's performance, I don't think the board of directors have any left.

Yet I believe in giving chances. I believe that no matter how cruel or terrible the world we live in may be, chances should be given to proof who we are, what we can do.

Unfortunately, the world's changing faster than ever. Patience wears thin at the sign of a strings of under performing displays. Managing and fitting into Man Utd was never easy. Ask Fergie. He was fortunate to have managed United back then.You were given the same scenario. Except the people have changed.

Your tactics and strategy have always raised eyebrows. So does your transfer targets. United fans know that Kagawa is fit enough to challenge for positions on the wings or as a playmaker. But you went on to buy Mata, which could also do the same.

Fellaini never looked like what he was back at Everton. Nor does he fits well in a defensive role. Simple words - he was even worst than Veron.

Yet then again, I think people learn from their mistakes. You had your fair share of mistakes. Plenty of boos. An overwhelming of support from the anti-United fans.

As much that I loath to see you in charge of United, here I am, with a bittersweet feeling in my heart, finally ending this letter with a justice note.

No man deserves to be sack just because of one lousy season. No man. Period.


Regards,

A United Fan.

Pandora Box

I store feelings inside boxes. Most of the time negative one's. Feelings that can wreck moods and turn tides.

That is why I call them Pandora boxes. Once open, it will consume me. Maybe turning me into a person that even I'm not familiar...

But most of the time though, these boxes get buried and forgotten along time. Which is good because life can be much happier without having to be calculative and bearing grudge.

Sometimes though, I pull out and open boxes that can't be forgotten. Boxes that are filled with feelings and memories of someone I care. Love. Miss.

One of these boxes, is grandpa. One month has passed since the day he drew his last breath. This past month had me with mixed feelings. From a hardcore atheist, I began to start believing in Heaven and Hell. Cause I want to believe that he has gone to somewhere nice.

There are nights where I have nightmares of loved ones leaving me, only to have me waking up from what was a terrible nightmare.

It has also got me thinking. I don't mind being single at the moment. But what about in a few years time? I used to be alright with being single for life. But the personality of mine would make me crazy. I want to have children. I want to have grandchildren. I want to have my family beside me when I draw my last breath...

Grandpa's departure changed me. It changed the perspective of life. As what my dad said, he was a simple man, but he was sent off in style.

What is life, when you don't have a family, someone you love, to share with?


p.s. and to you-know-who-you-are, you are also one of my Pandora Boxes. We may not chat often. But that doesn't mean that I don't care about you anymore..

Rage and Wrath

Funny today I've stumbled upon a weird feeling that pushes me to do something beyond the distance. Something stronger than determination and perseverance.

Rage and wrath.

Don't ask me why I got mad. It's personal. And unimportant.

But it really helped a lot in forcing myself to restart my weekly routine.

Looking back I noticed rage and wrath have always played a part in my life. Just that I wasn't really sensitive enough to notice what drives me sometimes. All these while I took it as a sign of determination. The feeling of wanting to prove someone wrong. It's a rage fueled determination.

I'm not a violent person who goes around kicking and hitting people up. But I'm still human. I do get mad. Don't take me for granted although I'm always smiling and laughing around.

But how I channel the rage, leveraging on that wrath and anger, sometimes really reap rewards and achievements.

But of course, I do have to pay the price.

Mentally I may be able to push myself to the limits. But physically I still will break like everyone else.

It's foolhardy to run 10km in one shot when my body could only take 3-5 these few days without over exerting myself.

But they say the start is the hardest. Hopefully this price is something worth paying.

By the way, why did I even have to get mad?

Birthday

I never thought time would have passed by so fast.

I could still remember me in kindergarten. Combing my hair with gel every morning. Never touching the sweet potato soup served during recess time. Sitting on a bus. Kicking sand at friends after school.

I could still remember my first day at Primary 1. I wasn't sure that it was my primary school. I stayed in the bus and slept on like a boss. Until bus driver uncle saw I was still on the bus and fetched me back to school. Poured glue into a friend's water bottle (that was one of my most evil moments on Earth).

I could still remember my first day at Secondary 1. Being a teacher's pet as everyone knows my mum who's teaching at the same school. Being thrust into my first leadership role - class monitor.

I could still remember my first day at Matriculation. I came in 2nd batch. I made friends and tasted what fraternity and brotherhood was.

I could still remember my first day at University. I checked in later half day. Everyone was moving to the town hall for orientation. I was still going to my hostel.

I could still remember my first job I clinched. The whole interview was in Cantonese. Although that job was short lived, it was the first step of me into the working society.

Never thought the days of studying are now long behind me. It has been more than a year without exams, tests.

But the stress and challenges are always there. They take on a form where you might not be prepared for it. You may not have the reference to counter it. Most of the time you gotta get through it through perseverance.

Exactly a week ago I had to say goodbye to one of the people that has made me what I am today. Ah gong passed away at a ripe age of 84. I could still remember him writing out math questions after dinner. I could still remember him giving English spelling tests (although he never speaks a word of it, he does know the words that he's asking us to spell!)

Then there were also the days that I would play badminton with him. And the soft drinks he would gladly pop open when we visited his shop. And the minivan that he drove...

This year's birthday is bittersweet. You know when you keep growing older, you keep becoming wiser. You tend to also have the ability to do more. But as you grow old, so does the one's that you love.That's life. You cannot have the best out of 2 worlds.

These 25 years has been a long journey for me. But 25 years is merely a speck of what my grandparents and parents have gone through.

True it might be the end of what I would say is childhood and growing up. But it's also a start of something new.

Rest in peace Ah Gong. Thank you for what you've done. Sorry for what I have done and couldn't have done.

Grant me strength for what I want to do.

Happy Birthday to myself. And let me rock on.